Thursday, 5 February 2015

Honesty, Anxiety and Procrastination - An honest and personal introduction to change in 2015

This is my introductory blog post to 2015.

 Yes it is February, and indeed I am late on the bandwagon, but here I want to explain why that is, and why I am taking the time to post something that people likely will not read... as this is soooo last month; in a world of instant information.

I am a procrastinator, to the bitter end, I would find a reason not to do this now, if at all, if it wasn't that I am consciously deciding to take a hold of my life. If I don't write this post, and if I don't publish it (who knows whether I will or won't,  at just a few lines in) I will not have anything to answer to, when I continue not to succeed at a simple task. 
For a bit of background, I am a 'new' mum. I gave birth to the most wonderful light to my life in 2014, and I adore just everything about him. I could talk about him for hours and pages alike, yet this one is about me. 

Before I had my little bundle of love, I spent most of everyday worrying what I was going to 'do with my life,' where it was going, and how I could change it; to be 'fulfilled' and 'happy.'  It's not that I was unhappy, more that I felt I needed a purpose, to do something 'worthwhile.' 

I suffer with anxiety, like so many, and these daunting thoughts of the future filled my head to tipping point on a regular basis, causing me large amounts of stress, leading to ponderous procrastination. 

I acknowledge I give myself too many options, look at too big a picture and unnecessarily worry about both the significant and insignificant aspects of my life. I have a head full of ideas, a mind map of spider diagrams and flow charts, all conversing with one another about potential pitfalls of any given situation, solution or suspicion. 

Giving birth was a near death experience - literally, but it gave me the most wonderful things ever. It gave my beautiful child; but it also gave me a beautiful outlook. I relish every waking moment we breathe, every smile, laugh, cry and temper; because we are here, living, breathing and happy. I am truly happy, and likewise fulfilled. I am the happiest, most contented and fulfilled, that I have ever been. For this I am very lucky. I have a beautiful baby who is blossoming everyday into his own little cheeky character, with bags of personality, giggles and babbling,  and in all honesty, all I really want for the year, and years to come; is to be as content as I have been so far, since the moment he arrived and we were both safe and well.

 Unfortunately, I cannot afford financially  to sail along so swimmingly as I have done so far. Maternity leave is coming to an end, and all the uncertainty, apprehension and perplexities leave me vexed about the future.

 I spent part of the Christmas holidays crying that life had to change, as for the 'first time in forever,' (Might be quoting FROZEN there - he loves it) I had found what I had been looking for, and now it has to change. 

Of course this is looking at it negatively. This isn't one of the worlds greatest disasters, but it feels catastrophic to me, time running out,  decisions not yet made, and no-one else understanding my sheer trepidation of things to come. This transitional faze, is exactly what I said, a transition, not the end, nor even the beginning of a destination,  yet it causes my stress levels to soar; high and out of control. 

Some things are clear to me, the things I do not want, but as for what I do want, I am struggling, as all I really want to do, is make memories and protect what I have. I don't have a flash car, or own a home,  I work to a budget and shop in 'Poundland;' but I am content. 
I 'am' a lot of things, in regards of abilities- I'm a singer, hair and make-up artist,  artist, designer, photographer, writer, blogger (dare I say youtuber) amongst many, many, other things. There is a list a page long of what I 'can' or 'could' do, yet the list of what I do, 'do' is considerably smaller. I spend the time I could be 'doing' worrying, tormenting, stressing all the while in an anxious rut, about what I 'should' 'do.' 

What is the most sensible? What is enjoyable? What gives me the most time to spend with my baby? Does this one give me something back emotionally? Could this one could go the distance? Is this the one which might last long enough for me to decide on something else?What availability does this have for progression? Who else is doing it? Is there room for me? What if it doesn't work? What if I fail?  BLAH BLAH BLAH NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OVERLOAD!

Someone please give me 'the wheels on the bus' on repeat, a sleepless night and a cup of cold coffee. I'll think about it another day...

I now, before even making my point about how I plan to change this cycle, worry about posting something so personal, and how it will be perceived if read by anyone. Yet I also feel there must be others out there in very similar boats, and I think it needs to be voiced, and needs to be out there, if we expect to change. I am a great one to working to a deadline, I may be last minute . com but I am reliable and a hard worker, and thrive on 'triumph' and 'success.' In fact I once described myself as a glory hunter, seeking out opportunities to be 'great' as it made me feel good. Now I see a slobbery smile and feel elated. 

Getting to a very long winded point (cathartic as this has been) I didn't post any New Years resolutions.  I am not the largest fan of setting myself goals I will likely not accomplish. Disappointment and I don't get on so well, so normally I don't make a point of setting myself up to potentially feel low, guilty and inadequate. (Boy am I aware of the pre-emptive  negativity. ) This year however, I feel it is the only way to fight off the anxieties, and accomplish things.

I intend to set myself small do-able tasks. Not long vague to-do lists IE. 'Set up my own business, more like ''Write down 3 blog post ideas' or 'Write a pro's and con's list for XYZ.' 'Make that dentist appointment' and 'Send an email to ___' 
This was an idea I picked up form watching one of Alex Beadon's youtube videos. and it inspired me to just 'get on' with creating this post. Rather than wait until I had something to say, that people wanted to hear. This is my itsy-bitsy fragment of Internet after all?

I want to focus less on the the big picture, and more on the simple baby steps that lead to bigger things. The one vague thing I am adding to my list however is, to: Nurture my little piece of Internet

I say nurture, as another way to say 'not neglect.' This Blog and my Youtube channel are ways to keep a journal of of our little life, and I look forward to looking back fondly with nostalgia on the wonderful time we are having. Sometimes I am enjoying a moment too much to take a photograph, or enjoying the sounds of his babbling and infectious laugh too much to pick up a video camera, but the thing I am most scared of is forgetting. I do not want to let unnecessary self made stress, impact on the incredible adventure ahead of us.
 I hope to post some monthly 'To do lists' or video's or somehow let you know where I am 'at,'  maybe I will or maybe I'll wait until Next month....

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